So here it is, my blog. My rant. My release. And for those who know, yes I did post this on Facebook too. Bite me.


Life is currently giving me a rather forceful and excruciatingly painful reaming right in the ass. And I am contemplating that. And facing the feelings welling up from within and experiencing them truly.

For years I have not known myself in the least.

I have been completely at the mercy of my mind, my memories, my fears, my hates, my loves, my addictions, my misconceptions, and my philosophies.

Then I go away for one weekend to completely face every aspect of myself on a mountainside and I am suddenly shown a glimmer of truth. MY truth.

During my meditations I faced everything that ever kept me down or hurt me and I came to a startling conclusion. I was the source of it all. And I was screaming inside to deny it. But the truth is the truth and it has a way of bitch-slapping you with true wisdom. There is no running from the true core of you when it rises forth. The ego has nowhere to hide.

Best suicide cult I ever joined. A group seeking the ego-death. Now for the metaphorical kool-aid...

And I was blown wide open. Not to sudden, absolute, enlightening truth. No, not to anything so divine. I was enlightened about myself and where I lie. And yes, that SHOULD be taken in MANY ways.

I have been completely letting myself live based on everything that has ever happened to me. And running from that by hiding my head in the future. My biggest obstacles have always been and will always be already in my past. Facing my memories and the little ways I was fucked up by the world for 21 years is the only way to truly be free.

What does that mean for me? EVERY single little thing I do, from the way I stand to the way I breath, to the way I hold my dick when I piss has something to do with my past. How I think, when and how I smile, WHAT I THINK ABOUT... EVERYTHING.

How I date... How I love... How I react... everything...

So I now have two choices in my life.

I can hide from myself, not being aware and present at any time and completely being ruled and torn apart.

Or I can live in the present. Be focused and in the moment. Constantly seeking my own strength and experiencing fully every emotion and every feeling that arises in me from anything.

Freedom or bondage to myself?


And Leah has left me. To seek her own understanding and freedom in herself. I love her and I have let her go to experience what she needs to experience and hopefully find what she needs to find. And I hurt. Tears streaming down my face at the thought of her beautiful smile. And the fear that I may never sweep her into my arms and press my lips to hers ever again. Friends or lovers she is still my Goddess.

I thank her deeply for this. One more time she leads me to facing myself. One more time she leads me to enlightenment. One more time she does not comfort me, but pushes me to find the me that has the divine humor, that can live in the moment and laugh in the face of not only death but my own fears, pains, jealousies, sorrows, and all of the inner screams of a dying ego.

And now I face myself alone. For the first time in my life I will not rely on another to carry me or guide me or console me in myself. I will not allow that shelter, that place to hide.

I will face this and anything that shall ever rise before me.

And I will find the one thing that will bring me freedom. The one truth that will make me perfect in every aspect.

Me.


-Zemyn